How To Be Published - Writing Badly Enough

The Grey, Bland Line to Publishing Success

Forgive me. My words might seem rash but sometimes urgency overrides prudence. If you do not know it already it is high time you did:

Fabulous stuff. A triumph of, ah ... packaging

• forget noble intent;
• spurn finely tuned wordcraft;
• avoid stylish turn of phrase;
• reject agonising revision;
• eschew imaginative treatment;
• a plague on distinctive voice;
• and renounce pursuit of quality, wherever it may reside.

The aim of the game is mediocrity.

Mediocrity rules because it sells. Remember, sales are all a publisher is interested in. They'll tell you it is a business and a hard one at that. Yes, a business where success rests on providing the public with what it wants, the best customer satisfaction quotient the company can deliver. It is no accident that the publisher's 'mission' (Christ, that word makes me vomit) reads like an extract from the corporate blood-suckers bible.

But, my companions of the pen, we understand the publishers' point. We do not expect them to go broke on our behalf when we are unknown quantities in the public mind. We are tolerant of their strange failure to see the connection between the act of simply  publishing our novel and the process of becoming known.

We are, however, mighty bloody pissed off at the lies the publishing industry tells about the necessity for quality writing in opening the door to publishing success.

Seriously pissed off

It's bullshit. They all peddle it - agents, writing course providers, editors, publishers, everyone in the sorry chain. For proof, just look about you. Taking just the tall poppies tells you that quality has nothing to do with getting a book into print.

Enter our dear friend Dan Brown (I'm sorry Dan; this is what happens when you insist on being noticed). Sparing you yet another dissection of the awfulness of his output, I say only that Dan's stuff is bewildering bad, numbingly banal and furiously popular. His publisher has seen to the last-mentioned factor. Was Dan requested to revise the manuscript so as to keep faith with the lofty literary standards of his readers. Rubbish. (Oddly that's what his editor quietly muttered too on the subject of Dan's writing, at least I hope that's what was said.) What the publishing organisation itself said was 'we'll make a fortune'. Dan's drivel, ooops, masterworks, and the public taste are perfectly matched.

If a second prime example were needed, look no further than something called Fifty Shades of Shit. The consensus is overwhelming. It's trash, not even riveting trash. Bit like the visual muzak of an interminable buck's night. But successful, triumphantly so. As we speak, the author's agent and publisher have just parked their Ferraris and are raising glasses of Krug to their combined talent spotting acumen. Yes, there's nothing like fine writing. Those gems in the slush pile make a perfect foot rest for one's Jimmy Choo's.

Erotica writer's agent with week's pay

And so, to today and the big motivational force.

Dipping into some e-published writing I stumbled upon (you'll never guess) classic confirmation of all that is raised above, but at a less glittering level. Nonetheless, the message was the same - write low, sell high.

In the red corner we have two pieces: a US author's South American travel stories, engaging and idiosyncratic, admirably crisp if at times in need of a little polishing; and a British writer's tales of European travel with a husband, a Kombi van and a dog, which, apart from moments of over backgrounding, in an inventive and irreverent style just tantalised the reader(me anyway) to want more. It was good stuff. With a little editing both could have been very good stuff, worthy of main line publishing.

And what do we see in the blue corner: an exploration of a personal journey back to one's roots in Russia by an American author whose literary skill set fell only millimetres short of those in the possession of the great Dan Brown - plodding, predictable, uninspiring. But this piece glowed with professional endorsements and unabashed self-promotion, which is fine if it can be backed up, which it plainly couldn't.

Publishers' ecstatic reception of unknown indie writers

Now there are no prizes for guessing that the relatively unknown writers of good stuff had no main line publishing support but the writer of journeyman pap was a well known and widely published travel author.

Well, we wouldn't want to scare the children and horses by publishing anything with character. In any case, who'd want to alarm the public by giving them what they're not used to, or can't be made used to. Perhaps throw into pot a few 'artistic' works by the egotistical fringe intellectuals to keep us in the running for the big fiction prizes but really, quality writing is full of uncertainties and nobody made money that way. We're sure of it.

Thing is, folks, they haven't a clue what will succeed. Why not have it written well, if they can spot the difference. If they care.

^^^^^^^

And finally, to manfully give a nod to the other side, none of the above is to say writers should not strive for quality, if not to satisfy themselves then in the knowledge that many magnificent literary works have been deservedly published. I would like to think that this was due to the inherent genius of the manuscript being recognised at first glance and then the inevitable production and distribution taking its course. Often not true. However, by means which won't be pursued here, at least these deserving works are available for the public to admire and love, even if they make no money.

Quality writer makes rare sighting of elusive reward