Where Angels Fear to Tread

Fear and Loathing in Lost Pages *

Your Tireless Correspondent fell over this limp lead buried in the dead heart of a suburban newspaper:

'A minor dispute over a runaway dog has resulted in the arrest of a Hell's Angel sergeant of arms, the alleged assault of a grandmother and a drug bust.'

As an attention-grabber, it's about as exciting as cold porridge.

But think of the story; envisage the scene. They had, and commenced to bore the pants off their innocent reading public by plodding through a shopping list of downward spiraling dullness, working hard to crush the colour from this local news gem.

And YOU'RE bored !!

Pausing to renew my tirade against this criminal waste of journalistic opportunity (no-one was listening anyway), I found myself confronted by an unsettling thought. Raving's one thing; writing takes a bit more effort. OK blabbermouth (it was safe to chat to myself), you reckon you could do better?

What an embarrassment - I'd challenged myself.

So, of the scores of ways the story might be approached, I foolishly wrote this (ignoring the conventions of news reporting):

A runaway ex-customs sniffer dog ‘missing’ for three months provoked the arrest of his bikie owner, the alleged assault of the bikie’s grandmother and the seizure of her crop of marijuana, in Sydney’s southwest today.

In a successful escape bid from the Casula backyard of Hells Angel sergeant at arms, Nigel Golightly, the dog he affectionately named Mortein hightailed it to the nearby home of Mrs Pearl Pounder, Mr Golightly’s grandmother.

A canine custody dispute ensued.

‘You should have heard the language’ said neighbour Cyril Savage. ‘I’d just parked the tow truck and whammo, Nigel’s fist smashed through the fibro. That stupid mutt Mortein squeezed out the kitchen cat flap and shot into the shed full of weed. I called the cops.’

Police in a patrolling vehicle were quickly on the scene and arrested Mr Golightly, a former state representative rugby prop forward, alleging he assaulted his pensioner grandmother.
 

BEWARE - vicious criminals

Senior Constable Hannibal Stamper clarified the situation.

‘The suspect reportedly of male-type gender who I suggest is the subject of the arrestive process appears to possess a preponderance of weight and height such that a reasonable person might theoretically assume his inclination to indulge his alleged advantages. Besides, the poor woman was in a terrible state.’

‘So was the dog’ added Constable Stamper’s colleague, Probationary Constable Slocum, who had searched the property’s outbuildings. ‘He was getting high in the dope, er, cannabis shed.’

Mr Golightly is reported as saying: ‘I’m innocent. I love that dog. He has such kind eyes. She was going to pinch him. Look at him – high as a kite on the hash she grows.’

As Golightly and his grandmother were invited to accompany the constables to the police station to assist with their enquiries, Mr Savage explained exclusively for our reporter.

‘That bloody geriatric was laying into Nige with a meat tenderizer, in the backyard. Where’s the respect, eh? I’m gutted. The neighbourhood’s gone to pot.'

I could have used THIS

Police praised Mortein for his natural talent and on-going persistence in carrying out his former public sniffer duties, which resulted in a haul of supply-quantity marijuana estimated as sufficient to keep the entire population of Liverpool high for a month.

Mr Goligthly and Mrs Pounder will appear at Parramatta Local Court next Wednesday morning.

Customs officials have welcomed Mortein back to his previous role in airport drugs detection.

We're all doomed I tell you, DOOMED

* Apologies to Hunter S Thompson